A customer story. In his words.
I get a lot of messages. Most of them are questions about weight limits or mounting hardware. Occasionally someone writes in and I have to put my coffee down.
This arrived in my inbox a while back. I've read it probably a dozen times. It has everything — a 25th anniversary, a chinup bar from the attic, a grounds crew member named Rosario, a security camera pointed directly at the balcony, and a $250 dispute that resolves better than most movies.
I haven't changed a word. That would be a crime.
— Madam
We got this swing last year for our 25th anniversary from some close friends. I have to admit, at first it was a bit awkward and thought of it as a gag gift. After it being boxed for nearly 3 months we decided to unbox and hang it — I was unsure if having “Eye” hooks exposed in our master bedroom so decided to hold off on the mount.
My phone's “spying” apps would always suggest sex swings, mounting ideas and often ads on local adult stores. One day I visited a YouTube video on 7 mounting ideas, I quickly dusted off the pull/chin up bar from the attic and modified it! It worked magnificently!
I surprised my wife one afternoon as she came home from work. At first we were both very unsure about it holding up, although we both are under 180 lbs. We were very skeptical on it holding up. We were satisfied and immediately impressed. The “Screamer” literally lived up to its name.
We finally got it set up to where the height adjustment and straps were practical and quickly became easy to hang and set up. We wanted to take this a bit further and travel with it. We visited Cancun 2 months ago and brought our contraption with us. I fit the pull up bar and swing in a standard carry on along with personal items. My wife was embarrassed so she made me go through the TSA line separately — the only way she would agree for me to take it with us.
When we got to our room I was disappointed to see that our suite had a curved door frame between bathroom and bedroom without a place to mount the chin up bar. We both were so bummed — the anticipation, the travel time and the thought of us enjoying this with a beach open balcony was a bit of a disappointment.
After our first night, jet lagged and all-inclusive drinks in, we both were too tired to even think of love making.
The next morning, breakfast via room service. Our attendant Mario suggested we enjoy the balcony's porch area to take in the fresh air, beautiful view and overcast. As I poured our coffee I noticed multiple eye hooks holding up planters and three that were used to brace the patio overhang. The “MacGyver” instinct came to me and I quickly visualized hanging our swing using the current “eye” hooks and “J” hooks already installed.
After breakfast, while the wife showered, I had the Screamer completely set up — with the assistance of a crescent wrench loaned to me by Rosario, the lawn and grounds keeper. I closed up the outdoor doorway and drew the curtains. I wanted it to be a surprise.
We had a fun day at the beach, pool and jet ski outing. After dinner and a nightcap we went back to our place. I took some strawberries from the dessert bar and had a champagne bottle delivered to our room. I suggested enjoying the balcony patio area and listening to the soothing sounds of the waves crashing.
When she discovered my “set up” she giggled in disbelief. What if someone sees us? Hears us? she asked in an unsure voice.
“What if someone sees us? Hears us?”
After her rocking on it to test its stability and sipping the last of the bottle, she unclothed and we both became lost in complete ecstasy.
For the next 4 days and nights we enjoyed every minute of it — in fact, our bed was only used to sleep in.
Our final night was spent snorkeling, which landed us back at the resort around midnight. Our 10 a.m. flight back to Fort Worth meant being up by 6 a.m. to meet our cab driver at 7 for a 25-minute ride to the airport.
We both woke up to room noise as doors shut and looked at the clock.
7:20!!!
We quickly scrambled. Showered up and got packing. Our driver Julio put the pedal down and got us to the airport in 14 minutes. At 9:04 a.m. we were in the checkpoint line filling out customs exit forms. My wife turns to me and laughs — “you know the routine, I go first and you wait for a few people between us.”
At that point it dawned on me. I had forgotten our Screamer.
I managed to leave our love-making prized possession behind. With no way of turning back and embarrassed of contacting the resort, our plane ride back home became an uneasy, worrisome feeling.
A few days later I received a call from our travel site advising that the Omni was holding $250 for damage/restoration. I contacted the hotel directly and they explained that some hanging pots were stolen from the property. I disputed this and explained they were brought down to hang a personal “hammock” we took with us and left behind. I said the planters were removed and set on the floor but never taken or damaged. I pleaded that they review their lobby cameras and see that no plants or planters were removed by us from the property.
Maria, the guest service attendant, replied she would look into it and get back to me.
Within an hour, an Ernesto phoned and apologized for the mishap. He told me they had viewed the footage and did see the planters being put back up. Apparently there was a security camera pointed directly at our balcony.
“The creativity of us men has no words.”
And joked by asking if I was a full-time engineer.
We both laughed. I pleaded with him that all video footage should not be shared or uploaded. He responded that guests are treated like family and assured me that video footage deletes after 2 weeks. He apologized for my “hammock” being thrown away.
Thought you would appreciate this story. I never shared it with my wife.
He still hasn't told her.
Darling, if you ever find this — he planned the whole thing. Every single time.