Sure you're not. Pour another drink, let's talk about it.
Okay so here's the thing.
I've been selling sex swings for fifteen years. To over 80 countries. I have data. And I need you to hear me out, because the story you're telling yourself about who buys these, and whether that person is you, is almost certainly wrong, and I cannot in good conscience let you finish this drink and go home without fixing that.
Order another round. This will take a few minutes.
The Muscle Argument (We're Addressing This First)
Every single time someone mentions a sex swing online, some guy appears in the comments to announce that he doesn't need one. He has muscles. He'll just hold her.
I want you to do something for me right now. Grab your drink, hold it straight out in front of you, and don't put it down.
How long did that last? Twenty seconds? Forty?
Your girlfriend is not a gin and tonic. She is significantly heavier. And you are not trying to hold her for forty seconds, you are trying to hold her for as long as both of you want to be there, while also being present for the experience, which, I cannot stress this enough, is the whole point.
The swing is not a confession. It is not admitting defeat. It is what makes the thing you actually want to do physically possible for longer than a minute and a half, with both hands free, without anyone's shoulder giving out.
The muscles argument is like saying you don't need cruise control because you have a foot. Technically correct. Completely missing the point. Sit down.
So Who Is Buying These, Angela
I'm glad you asked. Because this is where it gets interesting.
The majority of sex swings, not a few, the majority, are sold to people between 40 and 60 years old. High income earners. Married, usually. Together for years. Sometimes decades.
These are not people doing something reckless. These are people who have figured out what they want, stopped being embarrassed about wanting it, and made a purchase decision the same way they'd buy a good mattress. Thoughtfully, and with strong opinions about quality.
The average sex swing buyer is not a twenty-two-year-old doing something chaotic. It's a fifty-four-year-old whose kids just moved out and who finally has a room to do something interesting with.
They are not, to be clear, having wilder sex than you. They are having more comfortable sex, in more positions, for longer, with both hands free. Which sounds extremely reasonable when you say it out loud.
But Wait, There's More (There's Always More)
Because it's also not just them. The range of reasons people buy swings is genuinely chaotic in the best way, and I say this as someone who has heard almost all of them.
Sometimes it's the physical limitations angle. Bad knees. Hip problems. A back that has been through some things. Lying in bed isn't comfortable anymore but they'd still very much like to have a sex life, and a swing solves a specific physics problem that has nothing to do with being adventurous and everything to do with being a person who still wants to feel close to someone. I've had customers tell me it was the first time in months they could be together without pain.
Sometimes it's genuinely unexpected. We get questions about threesomes. We've had questions about solo use. We once sold swings to the film production for Rough Night, the Scarlett Johansson movie, because they needed to prop a dead guy up in a sling and make it look convincing. I am not joking. We sold a sling and stirrups to a movie about a bachelorette party that accidentally killed a male stripper. This is my life and I love it.
The Part I Think About Most
There was a customer, a man who'd been married for thirty years. His wife died. He missed her, and more specifically he missed physical closeness, not as performance, just as comfort, as presence.
So he bought a real doll. And then he bought a swing, because he wanted to hold something the way he used to hold her.
Sometimes a swing has nothing to do with adventure. Sometimes it's just about not wanting to be alone in the way that actually matters.
I'm not going to tidy that up. It doesn't need it.
Why You Haven't Bought One Yet
It's not the price, though you're telling yourself it's the price.
It's not the installation, though you're definitely telling yourself it's the installation.
It's that somewhere, without really thinking about it, you decided you are not the type of person who owns one of these. And that decision is based on an image in your head that has nothing to do with reality and everything to do with the fact that pop culture gave you exactly two reference points and both of them are wrong.
The type of person who owns a sex swing is: a person who decided they wanted one.
That is genuinely the whole list.
Long-term couples. People with bad backs. Empty nesters. People who want their hands free. People who miss someone. People who are tired of the same three things in the same order and would like to change the question entirely.
If any of those sound familiar, I have some news for you.
You're the type. You've been the type this whole time. You just needed someone to say it out loud at a bar.